You Were The Best Thing About Me
by Tez-gm
Summary: ONESHOT: My take on what Remus might have been feeling after getting back to Grimmauld Place the night his last best friend was taken away. [Yep, it’s another RL&SB fic, so there's mild slash]


Well, now here's something I never thought I'd be doing. Never in a million years did I think I'd write something like this, let alone post it on here! Not because of what it's about, but because I've never been in this situation. As the summary suggests, this is purely a one-shot. It doesn't fit in with anything I've written, nor do I intend it to.

So the question is this; why did I write it if I wasn't intending to post it? I was actually on the net checking out when the next F1 car launch was, and was listening to Savage Garden. I think I got up to song four on the CD before this fic started to gather momentum. Mind you, I did read a Remus/Sirius fic just before I changed to F1…but that's not the point, I'm starting to ramble and I haven't answered my own question!

I wrote this because…I'm not sure, it just felt right at the time. Listening to that album, and having read a RL/SB fic a short while beforehand must have had something to do with it! That's one part out of the way, why didn't I think I'd be posting it though? You'd simply be rolling on the floor in laughter if I told you (I know I would be!).

Just know this; I believe this is the best 'chapter' I have written…by quite some margin. I can count the number of stories I've had trouble with getting to the end without being in tears on one hand; four. Note I wrote 'stories', not 'chapters'. Only two of the four make _that_ list. I have read this three times since I finished it, and I hope that next time I can actually make it through the whole thing without having to take my glasses off to wipe my eyes.

Most of you will be probably be laughing at me at this point, and won't have any worries at all with reading it all the way through…I just felt it necessary to give you a fair warning.

Oh, thanks to peanuts107 (aka; nutto and 107!) for convincing me to post this on here.

Without further delay, I give you my attempt of an interior monologue from Remus' point of view after that night in the Department of Mysteries.

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**You Were The Best Thing About Me **

There are no words that can describe how I feel right now. There is…nothing. How do you describe something that you don't understand? You're dead. Once you pass through the veil, that's it; the point of no return. No one who has gone through the portal has ever been seen again. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure who was more shocked; Harry, you or me.

I remember grabbing Harry, keeping him from going after you...even though I myself wanted to do just that. I don't remember portkeying back to Grimmauld Place with the others however, nor do I remember trudging upstairs to your bedroom…no, _our_ bedroom. For that is what it was, though no one else knew. The only other people who knew about us, are dead; James, Lily and now you.

You were everything to me, Sirius…ever since we finally got together. I still struggle to realise exactly what you saw in me, but I'll never forget what sealed it. How could I? It was one of the last times we saw each other before…well, you know. I remember what you said to me that night, the last night we spent at Godric's Hollow with James and Lily.

It was New Year's Eve; five months after Harry had been born. Peter had left earlier that day, telling us he had some urgent business to attend to. It now occurs to me that he was continuously rubbing his left arm. In other words, Voldemort was calling. Why didn't we notice that? All the signs were there, even at _that_ early stage.

I'm getting off track. My hands are shaking with anger every time I think about that stinking little traitor. James and Lily had gone to bed early, and we decided to stay up to ring in the New Year. We wondered what it would bring…I doubt either of us could have guessed. Full moon was a week away, and as usual, I wasn't looking forward to it.

We sat outside, just staring at the night sky. I found myself subconsciously gazing at your star; the Dog Star. Ironic I guess that your animagus form would be that of a canine. As we sat there, you casually asked how my job-hunting was going, while I'd ask you how the Auror training was progressing. We both knew we were skirting the issue though. Severus would call it 'typical Gryffindor stubbornness', but I prefer to call it 'choosing the moment'. I had feelings for you since our fifth year, but I never imagined that you felt the same way.

The way you smiled, the way your long black hair always fell in your eyes. But I always felt your heart was the most attractive thing about you. You truly were a remarkable catch, Sirius Black. James may have been the one who married first, but I felt for sure you wouldn't be far behind…no, I lie. You never would have married. I get the feeling you quite liked being chased by practically all the female population of Hogwarts. That was until I looked over at you, and found you staring at me.

I felt my heart skip a beat as we stared into each others eyes. I'm not sure who moved first, but in a flash I felt your lips against mine. I closed my eyes, hoping for this moment to never end. That kiss may have only lasted one second, or it may have been one year. I know not, all I know is that it wasn't long enough. I felt you pull back and I opened my eyes. I saw the hunger and desire in your eyes, and hoped you saw it in mine too. But you didn't, you mistook it for confusion…and anger.

I opened my mouth to speak, but you gently placed your finger over my lips and shushed me. 'Don't say anything, Moony. I've wanted to do that for the last five years. I'm sorry that you don't feel the same way, but…' I cut you off by kissing you again, much harder than last time. I knew the rumours about you being a wonderful kisser, but never imagined you were this good! As we separated, I remember asking you if that answered whether I felt the same way, you just quietly chuckled.

I then asked if you were being honest about what you said, wanting to kiss me for the last five years. You just smiled and said yes. I told you that I had also wanted that since our fifth year, in other words six years ago. If only we'd known before this, things may have turned out far differently than what they did. We didn't kiss again that night, you told me that you'd come with me next full moon to keep me company. You told me how much it pained you to see me struggle through each transformation, how you desperately wanted to make the pain stop.

I could see tears starting to crawl down your face, glistening in the moonlight, as you said how sorry you were for sending Severus after me in our fifth year. You know I had forgiven you for that, yet you still felt horrible. You told me that you thought you'd lose me forever. Sirius, I could never, ever hate you. I told you as much when I pulled you into an embrace, wiping away the tears on your face with my thumb. I felt you shiver under my touch, so I stopped. You looked at me and smiled, before nuzzling into my chest.

I don't know how long we stayed there like that, but I knew you hadn't fallen asleep. This was confirmed when I heard you ask if I thought we'd made it to midnight. I sighed and said that yes, I believed we had. You said 'that's good, you do know what muggles do, don't you?' I smiled, and replied that I was familiar with their custom of kissing someone as the New Year ticked over. You lifted your head and I could see the want in your eyes again. I felt our faces move closer together, but just before our lips met, we were interrupted.

'Will you guys get your sorry arses inside, it's freezing out here!' I heard you groan, and knew you probably wanted to hex James as much as I did. I remember you telling him off, saying that just because he was cold didn't mean that we were. James, being as stubborn as he could be, waited until we got up and reluctantly followed him inside. He was right though, it was much warmer inside. We sat on the couch, just the three of us, and James had his usual grin on his face. You know the one, when we were waiting for our latest prank to begin.

'I owe Lily ten galleons' he said. I looked at him, confused. James answered that he and Lily had seen us from their window, my eyes widened in horror, but James didn't care. He told us that he was happy for us, and that he and Lily weren't going to tell anyone. I heard you release a breath, and knew you must have been as relieved as I was. James winked at us before heading upstairs to check on Harry.

I don't recall much else that night. Not until I woke up to find you using me as a pillow. I smiled and thought how nothing could possibly come between us…little did we know what was around the corner. I left later that morning, back to my parents' empty house. You visited nearly everyday, usually after work but sometimes during your lunch break. Most times we'd just sit around and talk about our days at Hogwarts. Finally, the night of full moon arrived, and again you turned up after work. We waited until midnight; I didn't want to risk anyone seeing me outside, despite the neighbours being quite some distance away.

I felt it begin, the same as it always does. I go rigid and can see you walking into the next room. Once again, I pleaded with you to leave while I transform. Even though we were together, I still wasn't comfortable with the idea of anyone seeing the amount of scars that tormented my body, reminding me what I became.

I remember feeling my bones shatter and reform in new places. I remember screaming, wanting the pain to stop. I don't remember closing my eyes, but when I opened them, I saw you, or rather, I saw Padfoot. My mind…no, the wolf's mind slowly began to relax as I recognise my pack, for that is what you were. You ran over to the door, and fumbled with the handle as you stood up on your hind legs. Finally, the door opened and we went outside to explore the nearby forest.

I don't remember much from that night, but I do remember waking up the next morning. At least, I remember someone licking my face. I never got the chance to tell you how disgusting that was, stick to your human form please! I tried to get up, and you pushed me down after transforming back into your normal self…not that you _were_ normal of course. 'Relax Moony, I'm here. I'll always be here for you'. You let your fingers trail across my face and I shuddered as you gently kissed my bruised lips. I wanted nothing more than for you to just hold me like you did, telling me that everything would be all right.

It didn't last, of course. Soon after that, we both began to suspect each other of being a spy. We hardly saw much of each other, and slowly drifted apart. I still remember looking at the Daily Prophet two days after I found out; Sirius Black arrested. Life sentence in Azkaban for selling James and Lily to Voldemort, then killing Peter and thirteen muggles the very next day.

I threw the paper on the floor in frustration. Why? Why did you do it, Sirius? How could you do that to your best friends? I screamed, louder even than when I transform, bitterness slowly replacing all my other emotions. Everything I knew came crumbling down around me, I had no one left. The world had decided to turn its back on me. You never knew, but I considered ending it all, Sirius. I didn't have anything left to live for…except Harry.

I found out the truth of course, twelve years later. When Albus asked me to take the Defence Post, just after you had escaped, I jumped at the chance. I knew you'd come back to Hogwarts, trying to finish the job. I couldn't let you do that, Sirius. Harry was the only thing that kept me alive all those years, there was no way I was going to let you kill him. And yet…something told me that it just didn't feel right.

That night when I saw Peter on the map, it all fell into place. You hadn't been secret keeper, you switched with Peter. You never betrayed James and Lily, Peter did. And you never told me because you thought _I_ was the spy. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier, you being their secret keeper was _too_ obvious. Peter eluded us that night, Harry convincing you, and me, to not kill him, but to let the Dementors deal with him instead. He wanted you cleared of the charges as much as I did, Sirius.

In the end, I was lucky. I nearly did the exact same thing everyone thought you wanted to do. As I transformed, I knew what was going to happen. Five humans against one werewolf; good odds wouldn't you say? If you hadn't been there to protect them, Harry would be dead, and most likely we'd both be in Azkaban…if we weren't dead already. You fled, forced to live in exile for a year before returning to Grimmauld Place, the same house you swore to _never_ go back to some twenty years earlier. But not before you were told to come to my house by Dumbledore.

You were only there a couple of weeks, but unfortunately I had been occupied most of that time with Order business. Once we did manage to spend time together, it took us a few months to fully drop our defences that we had built up. I used to apparate into your room nearly every night, just to talk and catch up on everything we missed out on. No one else ever found out about us. I never stayed the whole night, despite your pleading. I couldn't take the chance of anyone finding out before we were both ready.

I still remember what you said the night of the battle, your last; 'remember, Moony, after my name is cleared, both you and Harry are more than welcome to stay with me. Think of it as fifteen years worth of missed opportunities'. I grinned and knew what you really meant. You were ready for us to make the next step; to be mated for life.

As I lie here in bed, our bed, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I never did tell you why I loved you, yet somehow you just knew. It's now too late, but I will anyway; you were the best thing that ever happened to me, Sirius Black. You said you'd never leave me, that you'd always be there for me. And you will be, for I believe in love surviving death into eternity.

I also believe you don't really know what you've got until you have to say goodbye. I'll never find anyone else, Sirius, nor will I even try. Werewolves mate for life…they also grieve for life too. It wasn't supposed to end this way, then again I hoped it wouldn't end at all.

_**Fin**_


End file.
